there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
