If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize