fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
