How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
