halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
