life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
