like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
