I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize