I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
