I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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