What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
