All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
