Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
