That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
