the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
