So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize