remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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