I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just google imaged poop.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
