i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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