at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
