remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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