yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
