What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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