sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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