So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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