the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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