Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
