She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
