3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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