his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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