Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
