walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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