Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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