There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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