This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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