it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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