Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
