Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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