bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
