Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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