it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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