theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
