Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
