Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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