Will you blow on my dice?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
