Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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