i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
