I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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