textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
