I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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