We won't sleep together?
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
