i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
