Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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