My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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