somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
