Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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