Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
